A Sign of His Goodness, 2

(Continued from the previous post)

There is a scar on my neck that doesn't want to heal as quickly and fully as those I see on friends. Though one year old today, I still catch people staring at it. But last summer my soon-to-be brother-in-law encouraged me that it was actually a sign of God's goodness on my body. (Yes, thinking back, I do believe those were nearly his words!)

This sounds like a strange and hard answer to my prayer on 3.22.2015 to:

"Give me a sign of your goodness" 

Yet, after a year I can truly go on to say with David, 

"...for You, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me." (Psalm 86:17)

 Back to my journal:

April 2nd, 2015

"Still not recovered by any means from yesterday's trauma and living in suspense as the results were supposed to have come back last evening... I remember basically daring God that He could not love me and let the call be any more bad news.

Oh, how thankful I am for His mercy and understanding. As Elizabeth Eliot said, God can "handle it" - all our hard words and questions, our pain and doubt. A good example of this is when Martha and Mary basically blamed Jesus for not being there when they thought they needed Him - not there to keep their brother from dying. Jesus didn't rebuke them. He wept with them. And then He went on to do something way better than just healing Lazarus from his illness. (Read John 11 for more)

Though I didn't notice it until much later, my dark day was lined with "signs of God's goodness" to me.

- My last piano student of the day cancelled, letting me finish at the perfect time.

- I had not been strong enough to drive even the 3 miles to teach that day, so I already had Dad lined up to drive me home.

 - A friend was visiting that afternoon - the absolutely perfect friend to be with us at this time.

 "Near the end of my last lesson for the day, my cell phone rang. I apologized to my student and answered. It was the doctor. My brain went dull. I think I slightly realized the doctor himself shouldn't have had to call with the results.

"By the time I got into the next room, he said so apologetically the hideous word - 'CANCER.' I responded dully - in a dream, asked a couple questions in a flat voice, barely registered what he said was to come next, thanked him, took a deep breath, and walked back in to my student whom I shakily asked to be praying for me [knowing she and her dear family would certainly do that.] 

"Right then it struck me. Back in December when my Lyme doctor first found the nodule (an amazing gift from God so perfectly timed to catch it with her ultra-sensitive fingers much earlier than anyone else would have), my first thought - from outside my brain, I'm sure - was:

 "'God, bring Yourself glory through this [nodule].'

"And then my flesh instantly recoiled, and I thought, 'NO! That can only mean it will have to be hard. And I can't stand any more hard! Let me just be normal, and who cares about anything more. I don't want You to use me anymore!'

Well, God didn't take me up on that. And I'm glad! I certainly don't know all the ways He can use this in my life, but I know He is - and will - turn it into something beautiful. Even if my scar never fades.

I don't have the strength to share now of how I can look back and see His goodness through the dark months following surgery - which itself was much harder than I expected. The days of deep hypothyroidism, radiation, and long struggles to replace my thyroid with the right medication. Maybe another time.

But I had a beautiful sign of His ongoing healing yesterday! My pedometer (worn rather to help make sure I don't walk too much for my energy reserves in a day) reached a new record.

I walked a "whopping" 3,632 steps!! My first time to top one mile in over two years. And double my average from just a month or two ago.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!